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A preacher goes to a nursing home to meet an elderly parishioner.

As he

is sitting there he notices this bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes

one. As they talk, he can't help himself and eats one after another.

By the time they are through talking, the bowl is empty.

He says,

"Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts.

"

"That's okay," she says. "They would have just sat there.

Without my

teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back.

Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth.

In order to gain admittance, a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions:

1. What are two days of the week that begin with "T"?

2. How many seconds are in a year?

3. What is God's first name?

Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered:

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.

2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

3. God has two first names, and they are Andy and Howard.

Saint Peter said, "Ok, I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected. Technically, your answer is correct. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why do you think God's first name is either Andy or Howard?” Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, and so on."

"Ok then, I give," said Saint Peter. "But what about God's first name?"

Forrest said, "Well, from the song...Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own...And then from the prayer...Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name..."

Saint Peter let him in without another word.

_____________________________________________

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life,

an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.

Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at

him,

'How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy,

but on the way home he remembered his wife, didn't like his father.

So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields,

he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed,

'So that's the ugly bxtxch he's runnin' around with.'

___________________________________________

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Albuquerque, NM. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.

At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud New Mexican. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

ABC's of ex girlfriends

A

is for Arteries.

You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a **** about you.

B

is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

C

is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.

D

is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E

is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F

is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G

is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.

H

is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I

stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

J

stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K

stands for Kill.

L

is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

L

is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M

stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

N

stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?

O

is for On top. When on top she has another O word.

P

is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q

is for Quitter. She couldn't last.

R

is for Rich little *****. She bought my love but I paid for it.

S

stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.

T

is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

U

is for Understatement. Saying you hate that ***** is an understatement.

V

is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.

W

stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.

X

is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.

Y

stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.

Z

stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"

.

stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week

there was this couple on a honeymoon and they were getting undressed for the first time. the husband took his socks off and the wife saw that his toes were all bent and deformed so she ask 'whats wrong with your toes' and he says

'when i was little i had toelio' she says 'don't you mean polio' he says 'no toelio'

so then he continues undressing taking off his pants and she see notices these ugly scars on his knees and she says 'whats wrong with your knees' he tells her 'when i was little i had kneesles' she says 'don't you mean measles' he says 'no! kneesles'

so then he finishes undressing and she looks over and says 'dont tell me.. you have SMALLCOX'