What would you do-- Should a married couple have a third child?
A couple asked my advice and I'm not sure what to tell them. They are great parents to a healthy boy and girl. They want to have another child, but because of a prevalence of severe developmental disabilities in the children in the surrounding family, they are not sure if they should press their luck. In actuality the risk for them is not that much greater than anyone else's risk for having a developmentally delayed child (5% to 18% for them compared to 3% for the general population). They see developmentally delayed children on both sides of the family (4 children out of 7 are severely delayed) , and are not sure they could raise such children. Bottom line: Their life is great the way it is, but they feel it would be even better with another child. However, they see first-hand the burden a disabled child puts on a family and are realistically unsure of their capabilites (or even their desire to care for such a child). I don't have children myself, so I ask for your help.
Answers & Comments
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If they are serious about having more children then they should have genetic counseling. They could have DNA tests to see if they have any genetic traits that would cause developmentally delayed children.
If in reality their chances aren't any higher than the general population, it seems as if they are worrying with very little reason other than the prevalance in the family. I like the idea of the genetic testing suggested by another answerer. They could get an actual concrete idea as to their chances which might help them make the decision. THAT SAID. If they made the decision and the child did have issues, then they would have to let go of the regret, anger and disappointment, because it just wouldn't be fair. ALSO....a child with extra needs might really affect the two that they already have. If they are happy, then I say cherish what they have and move forward.
If they don't think they are capable of caring for a special needs child then I think they should consider themselves lucky that they've had two healthy children and leave it at that. When I read the first part of your question:"what would you do should a married couple have a third child?" My first reaction was "three is just to many for me" and especially if they're not wanting to take the risk of having a developmentally delayed child.
under the cicumstances, I would not try and have the next child, when we age, our genetic material becomes weaker, and what we pass on will tend to be more recessive. because of a prevalence of severe developmental disabilities in the children in the surrounding family, the chance for a problemati child will be greater
But this is not the only thing I used to concider this question, first there are already two healthy, and well adjusted kids in the house. the addition of another child may cause sibling rivalry, and resentment.
There are many other factors to concider, They need to make the decision, Are the risks to the child and the childs social growth worth it?, Are they financially able to handle the costs assoiciated with a child with chronic health issues?
Thats a question they will just have to dig deep within to answer. I am the mother of a beautiful but severely disabled child. I wouldn't trade her for the world. Sometimes its very difficult, but other times its very rewarding. If they don't feel like they could accept a disabled child and love them like they would their other children, then they shouldn't try. But parents that could not love a disabled child like their own should not have children in the first place. Its a risk that all people take when they decide to try for a pregnancy and you should always be ready to care for a not entirely perfect child.
I say no metter the circumstance if they want to have another child then they should!!! If their chances aren't that great then they shoudln't have anything to worry about. No matter if the child does end up with problems, that shouldn't stop anyone from wanting to have a loving family no matter what! If they are really worried about the negative effects that it may have on their family then maybe they should enjoy what they have right now!
Unless they absolutely have to have an infant, there are many children desperately in need of adoptive homes. There are often many problems to deal with after they've been thru hell before you meet them, but love can usually set it right.
I have an adopted grandson who is a delight.
Im married and have our 3rd child on the way. The way I look at it is I will love my child no matter what. My husband and I have talked about what would happen but its gods will theres a reason for everything.
if they have mental or physical problems with there children now than maybe not, but every child is in deserves of having a life.
if they don't think they can cope then they would be better not too. Tell them to look into long term fostering instead,