outing love if tarnishing reputation?
question for those of you dating closet cases:
i moved in with the first girl i fell in love with. we were very close, kissed a couple times, slept together much of the time (not sex), and shared i love you's. it was more than friendship, but she made it seem like she never wanted to come out because of her religious beliefs.
i came out, she didn't. i respected that. but then she started having her boyfriend (yes, boyfriend) over, and they'd fool around in front of me. she'd make fun of me to him on the phone in the next room over. i also learned that she was telling friends that i was hitting on her and that the feelings weren't mutual. she also told a co-worker that she thought she had a stalker (me). then she would come home and act lovey-dovey to me.
i told one friend, who was a mutual friend of ours (all of my close friends were), and she yelled at me for trying to get her to take sides. i was falling apart and breaking down, and the girl i shared the apartment with just continued to f*ck with my head. she would do something to pull me in or seduce me, and then when i responded, she'd pull away and then laugh at me or to someone later. i didn't pick up on it then because i was so in love.
should i have outed her to the people she was talking behind my back to? if someone makes fun of you for being gay, does things to get your attention and then use it against you, would you speak up?
this happened awhile ago, but it's still on my mind. i've wondered if i should've stood up for myself in some way. i didn't want to out her, and i cared about her. i knew why she was doing the things she did, but it ruined me.
Update:she picked up the boyfriend after we started getting close
Answers & Comments
Verified answer
Of course you should have stood up to her -- her actions were intolerably rude and downright hostile. I hate to tell you this, but she did not love you.
Outing her would have lowered you to her level. I'm sorry to hear about this painful episode, but I'm glad you're rid of her. Please focus on the present -- the past was unpleasant enough, so you don't have to keep rehashing it nowadays and letting it stand in your way of moving on.
But if you want to indulge in any feelings about the past, change them to anger at her -- don't fixate on the hurt she made you feel. What she did was really nasty, so it might be cathartic to vent at her memory.
In the future, don't be afraid to stand up to someone. If they're doing something intolerable, tell them that immediately. As Dear Abby used to say, no one can make you a doormat without your consent -- in other words, the only way someone can mistreat you and walk all over you is if you let them do so.
In this case I would have outed her and next time stay away from girls with boyfriends.