Verified answer

You seem very perceptive in being aware that the child is testing you. Foster children often test their foster parents or their adoptive parents in order to find out whether you're going to throw her out of your home, just as she perceives that her mother did. She wants to get it over with.

The best thing that you can do is sit down with her and have a talk. First get her to express her feelings about losing her mother. Then ask her to talk about her fears of losing you. Tie this in with her behavior, and let her know that you know what she's doing. Recognize with her that you appreciate her feelings and understand them. But then let her know how you fear for the safety of your other children.

Let her know that you will not let her hurt them, just as you will not let them hurt her. Tell her how much you love her, and want to adopt her. And then ask her how she thinks that you should solve this problem.

She might say that you should get rid of her. If she says that, say that you don't like that option, can she think of another way. Make sure that she does most of the talking, not you. You may have to have a few talks. And if you do adopt her, there will need to be ongoing talks about her feelings. Don't believe that just because this child's mother is unfit to raise her, that the child will not be thinking about her. Emphasize with her that her mother is sick, and not bad. If you need help with this go with her for joint sessions with a counselor.

You should also be aware that schizophrenia can be genetic, and usually shows symptoms in late teens and early twenties. You should get some genetic counseling, and be prepared to handle this possible factor. In later years you will have to deal with this child's fears of becoming like her mother. You can not promise that it will not happen, even though there's at least an even chance it will not. I do hope that if you're working with an adoption agency that they are discussing this with you.

I hope this is helpful. The very best of luck to you.

Allow me to make some assumptions:

Does she know about the adoption proceedings? If so, is that when all the drama started to occur?

Testing? I don't think so. The first few weeks sure, but she's been with you for a year. She's rebelling now. She want's to have SOME control over the situation. She wants to be included with these decisions. She needs to understand (not just get told) that she's going to be a real member of your family now. She may be lashing out thinking that if she's bad enough, you'll send her back home.

That's my guess. Maybe im wrong, but it's something to think about.

Out of all my years in foster care - only the last 4 were good years. Every other foster parent before my last one "told me" what was going to happen, and how it was "for the best", and I would have to accept it and that was that. ONLY my last foster mom ASKED me what "I" wanted. And that alone made a world of difference. Just by her asking meant that "I mattered", and that "my opinion counted". Foster parents and agencies often forget that young people have feelings too. Not saying you're that way. I'm just reflecting on my own experiences. I understand she's 5. That's not too young to have an opinion - or understand. But lashing out, and misbehaving.. that was a specialty of mine when i was little. It was my way of expressing myself when nobody cared to listen. Sure I got into trouble, but I honestly didn't care. I'm betting she's trying the same things. Remember that there are two kinds of attention. Good attention, and Bad attention. If she isn't getting good attention, she only has one other choice. Right?

Anyway... best of luck. I hope things work out for you.