This is long but ill sum it up best as I can.

It all started with my brothers friend. Typical situation where his best friend takes interest in me and I, being 17 and completely lost about love and super self concious, was crushing on him. He was pretty much my first everything, except sex. He was my first real honest to god full on kiss. First one to say I was beautiful. We have so much in common it was unreal. He was too perfect. And at that time I was dealing with getting better from dealing with on and off anorexia and suicide attempts as well as binge drinking, that he literally came as a godsend. But I didn't know how to handle so much at once. I

Was used to neglect, being alone, not having to care for anyone that I couldn't take it. After a few summer nights if sneaking out, I fell a little harder each time. So much that it terrified me, causing me to start rejecting him.

So much that one night, I jumped into a random relationship with a guy who kept trying to be with me. I don't know why I did it, the guilt still kills me when I think back. But what I do remember is HIS face when he found out. And yet I still pushed him away. The relationship lasted a week.

And when he found someone new, he stopped talking to me and contact stopped. Until about a year later that we began talking again. He currently lives with his lady and they're even engaged. Which makes the hurt and guilt even worse. I just wish I didn't feel so caught up on someone who doesn't care enough anymore. He started asking me to hang out, and me in my love sick state said yes. He's been saying how much he misses me and it confuses the hell out of me and things got so heated the last time we met. And knowing he's engaged doesn't make it any easier.

And now, he's stopped all contact again and I still feel the same. I know I should let go and find better but I can't. Because no matter who I meet, theirs always one problem, its not him. I just don't know what to do anymore...)':