would you apologize after this long?
When I was alot younger and careless, I was messing around with this guy I worked with for about a year whom was married. We got caught by the wife.
I remember she was SO hurt. She asked me how I could do this to another woman. She didn't scream at me, curse at me... but the things she said to me was way worse. She really made me feel guilty.
She stayed with him... i'm not sure why, I wouldn't have. But that was her childhood sweetheart, they were expecting a baby (which made things worse). So she had her reasons I guess. He was a dog, he tried talking to me for a long time after that. He even asked about coming to live with me.
Its been YEARS. Since then, I had fallen in love and got what I deserved- cheated on. It was so hurtful, but eventually I was ok. Now, I am married (to a different guy) and cant believe I had ever done such a thing. I saw her on my space (she is on the friends list of a mutual friend). She is so beautiful, I cannot believe he ever cheated on her. I just feel like saying I am sorry and telling her I got what I deserved. But I do not want to remind her of the pain. She is still married to him.
Would you apologize?
Update:WOW- such good answers. Its going to be really hard to pick "best answer". After all these answers, I am still so confused. Those whom have answered have given me both valid reasons why I should and why I shouldn't. I wish I knew what she would want & how she will take it. I don't want to hurt her but I want to make her happy. I dont want her to think I do not care what I did to this day. Not for selfish reasons.
I wish she herself would answer this question.
Answers & Comments
Verified answer
NO, VERY bad idea!!
You will just be bringing back those feelings of hurt, and she has probably spent a lot of time trying to forget and move on, while it might make her feel a little better, telling her, you were cheated on, But the feelings of hurt she felt so long ago will just resurface.
I would not do it... it is only going to make YOU feel better and her feel worse!
I was in the same situation with my husband, when the girl contacted me some years later.... I just got sooo furious at her and made it really hard to speak to my husband!! It took me sooooo long to forgive my husband and he has done a lot to make up for it, but when it resurfaced again, it made things soooo bad......
You had your chance to apologize to her, that chance is now over, sorry honey
If it still stirring inside you it is not over yet. I would apologise, but make it clear that you realised how hurtful the whole situation was when you experienced it yourself later. Life is a great teacher - and now you know, and would never inflict such pain upon anyone anymore. Wish her good luck and blessings. Do not mention the guy, or any details about the past.
Good luck.
Some here would not agree with me but, I think you should apologize to her for what you did. Don't have a pity party for yourself but be open and apologize. As someone who went through something similar I can imagine how she feels. And she was right how could you do that to another woman especially when you knew they were married. You had the opportunity first hand to see how it feels to have someone cheat on you.. She has already been hurt apologizing will bring some things up but they are already there and I think it would help both of you if there were closure in the way of an apology. Do the right thing as a woman.
I would say leave it alone. Yes, it will just bring up bad memories for her, even if you're telling her that you got your just desserts by being cheated on as well. But you know, I really don't understand a couple of things. First of all, you cheated with this guy and you're saying that if you were cheated on (which you were) that you wouldn't stick around for that. Then why would you cheat with someone? You said she's beautiful, why would he cheat on her...but if that's your picture, then you're beautiful as well...why would your man cheat on you?
Because cheating isn't about pretty or not pretty. Yes, at times it can be about no longer being attracted to your partner, but most of the times it's much more deep than that. Giving a man a b!tchy attitude will have him running into the arms of a more understanding woman, no matter what she looks like. Crazy world we live in, ain't it?
I'm sorry you were cheated on, but I think that a marriage can survive infidelity if the couple is willing to deal with it properly.
It sounds to me like you are still carrying guilt. If you apologise, it may help your heart, but ask yourself whether it is a good idea to bring it up for them again. If not, then why not look at whether she is still happy. If she is still happy, then maybe you will feel less guilty - after all they must have worked it out!!
I respect your guilt - many other women who have had affairs with married men don't feel guilt and that bothers me, because I personally think that married men and women are absolutely off-limits. Just remember, you only own part of that guilt, not all of it :)
I would probably feel as you do and want to apologise but when you think of how it could bring back old memories to her, then it would be best not to. Now, if she ever herself for some reason ran into you and brought up the subject, then would be the time to apologise. Learn to forgive yourself as you made a huge mistake back then and from what you told us, you paid for it by being cheated on. The thing with life is that our experiences teach us valuable lessons. Not anyone of us is free from making mistakes, the thing is to learn from them as it surely sounds as if you have. Now forgive yourself and be happy.
She sounds like she was a very reasonable person who would probably appreciate knowing Karma came back around and that you are sorry for what you have done. You were young and probably didn't realize the severe impact it would have had on the lives you were affecting. I'm glad you saw your wrong we have enough immorally wrong people in today's world. Good luck to you and I hope it all works out.
Karma never ever fails. When it hits, it hits hard.
And I'm glad that you accepted it and came to peace with the fact that you deserved to be cheating on. The fact that she didn't yell or scream at you when she caught you, shows a lot about her character. I think you should apologize. She might actually talk to you and POSSIBLY forgive... And if its bothering your conscience really bad, do it. Get it off you chest. Even if she doesn't respond to you, at least you know you tried.
I gotta vote no because:
1) since it seems they have moved on, you may just re-open a wound that has healed up. You just re-open it, feel better about yourself and move on, meanwhile you caused a train-wreck for them
2) you come across as a stalker, even though you found her innocently enough, the fact that you did find her makes you seem possibly wacko.
Best thing to do - move on and forget it.
IT TAKES ALOT FROM A PERSON TO ADMIT WHAT THEY DID WAS WRONG CUZ EVERYONE WANTS TO ALWAYS BE RIGHT (DON'T WE) AND AS A WOMAN, MAYBE A MOTHER AND A SISTER YOU ARE TO SOMEONE, I KNOW IT WOULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE SORRY THIS WORLD WOULD BE SO MUCH NICER IF WE WOULD STEP UP TO THE PLATE AND APOLOGIZE TO EACH OTHER AFTER READING YOUR QUESTION IT SOUNDS SINCERE AND I DON'T THINK IT'S FOR YOUR SELF HOPEFULLY IF YOU DO IT WILL BRING CLOSURE TO BOTH YOU, SHE MIGHT NEED TO HEAR THIS FROM YOU I KNOW IT WOULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN MY EVERY DAY LIFE BELIEVE ME NO ONE DESERVES IT.. BLESS YOU !! YOUR HEART IS IN THE RIGHT PLACE